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Yo yo yo yo

Need a couple more fillings in my teeth and they are done for a few more years yet. Which is nice to know. Emma is now fully obsessed with DoA3. Which is cool, except when we play against each other and I pull too many counter's against her. I get a controller thrown at me, generally.

I've now got a new mobile phone. It's a lot better than the old one, although a little bigger. Emma's brother bought the old one off me for $150.

I think the new vacuum might have a fault already. Gotta talk to Emma about it tomorrow.

Oh, something else I forgot to write in this here darn journal. I've been running the footy tipping at work. Well I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned it, but I'll go through some of my previous entries and see whats in them anyway. 7th week of footy and I'm doing pretty shithouse. The girls are completely killing us, taking out all the top spots. Ironic, considering its typically a men's game.

Here's a pop quiz about my current state of mind. If you can answer these questions, you'll understand what is currently bothering me. A lot.

1. What is one link between Penny and Emma?
2. Okay, think of something else those two have in common. The first one is a bit obvious. Yes, okay. they're both female. Something else.
3. What contributing factors were there to the ending of the relationship between myself and Penny?

"Curses and promises are prisons, he says, but riddles set you free."


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 22nd, 2003 01:04 pm (UTC)
Ha! I just inanely dribbled all over my journal. I was going to say something else, and say something a lot more ... relevant to how I feel right now. It's nice to know I'm not the only one sitting here feeling like crap, and rehashing stuff in my head.

It's just that right now I feel like my life is one big damn circle, and I just keep coming back to the same place. This is happening in so many areas of my life, and my relationship with Nils. I need to be kicked out of this circle. What's scary is the thought that getting kicked out of this circle could just land me in another, much worse one.

There are things that I want to say to you when we're talking, and I don't. Sometimes because I don't want to hurt your feelings, sometimes because I don't want to hurt my feelings, mostly because I back out at the last minute cos I get "uncomfortable". You know me, I talk around things to make it sounds somehow "better" or something. Fuck, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.

I would like you to know, though, that I place most of the blame on 3. squarely on my shoulders. There are many reasons for this. Some of them I can't put into words, and the words I can I don't think that this is the place to say them. Maybe they shouldn't be said at all. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt at a lot of things that I did and said, and just generally the person I was, and I look back now and want to hit myself. And recently I've caught myself doing exactly the same fucking things. Which is where I am right now, wondering if I've learnt anything at all.

On a much lighter note, here is an answer to 1. and 2.

- We both throw the controllers when we don't win. (I think this is an important note about Me. I don't have enough skill to win at this game, but dammit, it's got to be YOUR fault!)
Apr. 25th, 2003 12:40 am (UTC)
It's difficult to not just babble everything that swirls around inside my head.

Arguments with Emma tend to not be arguments at all. Emma says something, then about 30 minutes later, after I've managed to sort everything out, I respond.

I am starting to see the same sort of things that happened, I think, near to the end of our relationship, now with Emma. My problem lies with the connection between you and Emma: me. It deeply troubles me that there could very well just be a problem with me, that I cannot face.

I push too hard; increasingly she wants no part in it. I feel like I'm chasing my own tail; like a dog I'm unsure why I keep on doing it, as it is more or less counter-productive. I continue anyway.

At the same time I'm mature enough to know that for us to progress forward both of us must change some fundamental aspect of the way we act and react with regard to the matter.

Actually Emma hasn't thrown a controller yet, but the general feeling behind it is in the air :p She now usually wipes the floor with me in DoA3.
Apr. 29th, 2003 04:28 am (UTC)
I know exactly how you feel. The scary realisation that it can't possibly be anyone else's fault, and that it must be yours. What's interesting is the fact that we're both feeling like this. We're both sitting here going "Shit. It's my fault. What the hell do I do now?"

There's a part of us (Nils and I) that is like deja-vu repetitions of my former relationships. You could probably guess, so I'm not going to elaborate too much. Our problems should be just that, our problems (so stop writing in a public journal, you silly cow). But that fact that this has happened before is screaming at me to say that the fault lies with me. I hope we can work through it, we seem to going okay, then it all falls to shit again. He thinks I'm placing too much emphasis on it. There's so much more I want to say about this, but I think I've said more than enough already. I need to find the courage to talk to someone who might possibly have a chance of helping, instead of sitting here complaining about it. Ha, that just sums me up completely. "No, I don't want to do something about it, I'd much rather sit here and complain about it."

Anyway, I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm sitting here thinking a lot of the same things that you are. And I know there has got to be a way through it. It's just one aspect of something that's completely complex. It's hard to see the rest of the good stuff while focusing on the bad.

Sometimes I think I gave up too easily before, and I'm determined that this time I'm not going to let myself do that.

I hope that maybe that maybe in some small way I could possibly have helped you now. If you want to talk about it, just message me. If there's a possibility that talking about it can help you now, (and if so maybe there's a chance it could help me as well) then I will be here.
Apr. 22nd, 2003 07:15 pm (UTC)
from one who is feeling very crap to another, I hope you begin to feel somewhat better soon. *hug*
Apr. 26th, 2003 04:44 am (UTC)
Cut tongue
To have known you for... how long is it now? 8 yrs.. holy shit its been 8yrs dude.. thats practically a huge chunck of life in anyones terms. Anyway have known you for this time and witnessed certain experiences of your own, not to say i know what i'm talking about but just to say that i was within vicinity of things that happened.
Maybe i'm way off track, i probably am cause you know me.. wouldn't know if my own arse was on fire until someone told me.
But anyway what my thoughts are when i just sit and think is,
"I need a reality check"
And i tell ya.. it works, some people need a day, some need a week/month and in my case, its been 3years now. And still I smack myself in the head and wake myself up.
Dude, get lost.
What i mean is, (no i'm not being rude) get away for a while just yourself, let your body breathe, let your mind relax take a chill pill and let your mind find you not the other way around.
Its taken me the good part of 24yrs to find Paris.
Its great when you know who you are.
Anyway you can slag me off now if you wish. :)
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )