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I won't take no for an answer

I tried to post last night, but LJ was down. Some magic being done there. Thanks.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to post was because last week Emma broke up with me.

I told her I would wait a week before I started telling those who I'm not super close with (my family and uber-closest friends).

I want to get this down so I can set the story straight later, if need be.

Date: 31st October.
Place: Work.
Conversation with my closest friend in Emerald, Ashley. I was depressed because I felt like Emma didn't love me anymore, and I was complaining to Ashley about it. He told me (as he usually tends to do) to go and talk to Emma about it. Tell her my concerns, otherwise they'll eat you alive.

I told him I was hesitant about telling Emma that I felt she didn't love me. What if she is still in love with me, but gives her the idea that she isn't, and breaks up with me over that?

If she's not in love with you then it'll just bring it to the surface. Better now, than later. Okay.

Date: 1st November
Place: Home
I was on the late shift, which meant I don't leave home until about 3pm. At some point during the day, I managed to get Emma to sit down and listen to what I had to say. She listened to what I had to say, and offered some input of her own. She had some stuff to say, which I listened to, and provided input on.

No I'm not sugar-coating a vicious argument. We have got the calm rational discussions down pat.

I thought it went rather well. Actually it did, it went fantastically well. Except for one part. Emma took the comment that she didn't love me any more, to heart. Apparently she spent the entire weekend thinking about her feelings for me. I had late shift Saturday and Sunday night, and Emma was doing other stuff on Sunday. I didn't get to see her much.

So now we come to Monday.

Date: Monday 3rd November
Place: Home
I had the day off on Monday, but I had a lot of stuff to do (it being a day off). I managed to squeeze in 5 minutes to go and say hello to Emma at her work, to drop off some mail. She didn't seem very err, attentive, so I assumed she was busy and left her and her Mum alone.

4:30pm comes around, and she comes home from work. Not a word, and can't look me in the eye. Thoughts: What have I done to upset Emma? I asked her if there was any house chores that she had wanted me to do today; I hadn't noticed anything in particular that needed to be done. No real answer from Emma.

She went straight to our room, got changed, and proceeded to leave. I asked her not to leave without telling me what the problem was. She promised to tell me everything when she got back.

Thoughts: Err, ok. Must have had a big argument with someone at work.

Matt (her older brother; owns the house we live in) came home from work later. I mentioned that Emma seemed in a really bad mood. He mentioned that she had got a call just before she was about to finish, and she seemed to be in a hurry after the phone call. (I think I know what the phone call was about)

I made us some dinner, kept some for Emma. Starting to get pretty worried about 8pm. Where is she? What is happening? I messaged her a couple times, but there was no reply.

Kept myself busy watching TV. 9pm thoughts: What the fuck is going on? 9:30pm, she finally returns. Enters the bedroom gingerly, not looking into my eyes. Body language screams guilt. She is unbelievably guilty about something.

She gets changed into bed clothes, and I ask her: so what is going on?

Well, she says, Justin just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years today. (Justin is a guy she works with. She has been getting pretty chummy with him for a while) I was around there talking to him about it. And? And you know how you said on Saturday you felt like I didn't love you anymore, well I've been thinking a lot about that too.

Thoughts: Oh shit. Here it comes. More trouble.

I think you are right, I don't think I love you any more.

Thoughts: What the fuck was she doing with Justin then?

What did you do with Justin? Nothing much. Nothing much? I kissed him.

The conversation basically degenerated after that. Not into an argument. She made up the spare bed and slept in it that night. I had a lot of trouble sleeping, and had to go talk to Emma a couple of times. As for my thoughts, they were everywhere. Emma really didn't seem very bothered that she had just broken up with me. She was literally asleep in minutes. I felt like I was holding it together, just.

Date: Tuesday 4th November
Tuesday night I managed to snag Emma for a chat again. We seemed to have a pretty good D & M about the whole thing, and Emma offered to move out and live with her parents for a while. See tomorrow as to what happened with that offer.

Date: Wednesday 5th November.
Place: Home
I somehow managed to get a little sleep Monday night. I did make a resolution to get up at 5am and go for a jog. This I did. Jogged for about 40 minutes, it helped enormously to clear my mind. I'm not sure how I managed to get through work Tuesday, but I just sort of floated along. Tuesday night; well I got a bit upset at the way Emma was treating me. I sat at the table while she and Matt played some Magic. Continually talked as if I wasn't there, and tried as hard as possible to ignore my existence. I asked her politely not to do that again, as I found it really rude and inconsiderate. We may have just broken up, but its possible to still be civil to each other.

Then she said, matter of factly, so when are you going to move out?

This really floored me. As far as I was concerned, I was staying put. Why the hell should I have to move? What have I done that means I must now move?

I told her, in no uncertain terms, I wasn't going to leave. We more or less came to an impasse. She would say, I'm not going to move out. But you have to, because I can't handle living with you. I would say, there's no way I'm moving out. Staying right here is what is best for me. It'll allow me to save money and to then do what I want.

But I can't do what I want with you around all the time! Yada yada yada. We both got very upset. I called my Dad, who calmed me down a bit. I went back for a final, and far more amicable chat, about the whole scenario.

Date: Thursday
Emma gone again for most of night. I assumed she was with Justin, again. I had to get up early [3:30am] and waited until 9:30pm, then messaged her. She finally replied after I asked if I could call, and said she'd be home in 30 mins.

I had been chewing over what I was going to say, but I thought I managed to come out sounding reasonable. My aim was to reassure Emma that I was not just looking out for myself (although it was my highest priority) and that I did still care a lot for her. I wasn't really feeling it, but I have high moral values.

Damn this entry got really really fast.

Anyway. I told Emma I was happy to move out. I don't want to live with her. But I'm not moving out until after Christmas. I'm taking the Fridge and the microwave, and I'll see if I can wangle a few other kitchen appliances as well.

There's other stuff, too. But that will do for now. Suffice to say, I'm not very happy with the way things are turning out, and the decisions that Emma is making.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 6th, 2004 01:49 am (UTC)
i just wanted to know the origin or your name(xian)

if u don't mind informing me
Jul. 6th, 2004 06:18 pm (UTC)
Re: hummm...
I'm not sure where it originated from. I started using it about 1999 though. Why?
Jul. 21st, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)
Re: hummm...
well i have used the word xian in place of my name sence my fromtal lobe developed

my name is christian and i adapted the X-ian from the christmas replacement "x-mas" useing the "X" to replace the "christ" part

just wondered if it was something like that
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:22 pm (UTC)
Re: hummm...
randomly landed to your live journal and was reading stuff.. hmm sad that things didn't work out with you and emma.. my friend is experiencing the same problems with her boyfriend and maybe she might have to move out as well..

nonetheless good luck with everything :)
Jan. 2nd, 2005 01:54 am (UTC)
Re: hummm...
Since this entry I've made my livejournal totally friends only, I still make entries regularly.
Apr. 29th, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
the real XIAN
grrrrr i wanted to make a lj account with xian as username but nooooooo someone else had to take it!
Apr. 30th, 2005 11:04 am (UTC)
Re: the real XIAN
You know, you're not the first person who missed out on the username they were after. It happens to me at just about any site where I have to log in.

Did I get lucky with this site? No, I got in early. (Livejournal has been around since about 98/99, I registered in 2000) But then, trying to get my first name as a username (Stephen) is a fairly pointless endeavour for me. Which is why I use several different handles online. (By the way, you're about the 4th or 5th person to remark to me that they actually have the name Xian, and would have liked this username; so chances are you would have missed out regardless)

Some other alternatives: reverse it (naix), spell it as it sounds (zeeahn), etc.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


Steve P

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