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lifetimes are catching up to me

Well, Emma's best friend in Tasmania is getting married next year in March, which means we both have to zoom down. We both need to save a lot of money in order to get our asses down there and back.

So I "looked at my finances" to see how viable it will be for me to save up enough money by the end of January next year.

Its not going to be a whole lot. In fact, I'll be lucky if I even manage $500.

This is the sort of thing that depresses me. Not that I probably won't be able to raise the cash, but that by not saving enough money, I'll be letting down Emma.

Of course, this started me thinking about my life in general, so I decided to write up a rant (Is it really a rant? Or is it just more self-observations?).

I figured out quite some time ago that how much natural intelligence you have doesn't really matter in order to be successful in most occupations. All it really requires is motivation. I have plenty of natural intelligence. I understand things quickly and easily, although I lack creativity. What I have absolutely zero of is motivation. Motivation to do anything.

For example, what, if anything, is in it for me if I complete my degree? What do I gain from being in a more important, better paying position? Happiness? Fulfillment (sp?)? The only thing I want now is to simply have a full time job, so I can continue to live my life. I am happy. I am fulfilled. Obtaining more knowledge of things won't make me any happier. Some people say "If you have more money life will be easier to live." Today, having money is a necessity. You can never have enough. But I get by without the extra now; I have no desire to do anything more than just "get by".

In my life I feel as if I have achieved absolutely nothing. I have gotten nowhere. Why? Because I have no motivation. And why is that? Because I don't care what happens to me.

In my mind, this all makes sense to me. When I go to write it down, it all becomes jumbled and criss-crossed, so please bear with me. I'm a pretty lazy guy. As lazy as they come. As I put it to Emma and Greg the other day, "Ironically, it is my endless pursuit of laziness that motivates me to do anything at all constructive." Its probably why I make a half-decent SysAdmin.

I guess that kind of makes me a classic Gen X'er. Good for nothing lay-about, no dreams, no direction in life. The only thing I want is happiness, and I'm at that point in my life where I'm happy. I've been at that point for quite some time. Where do I go from here? And why should I even bother? My only priorities are my relationship with Emma, and getting away from my parents.

Of course, I don't really care what anyone really thinks of all this, these are just my thoughts and I felt like writing them down. (I guess that's why it's a public post. Maybe I should make all my trivial posts friends only, and all the non-trivial posts public =) I'm not exactly sure what sort of comments could be added to this post ("You fucken lazy bum, snap out of it already!") but obviously feel free to post whatever comments you might have to offer. But please, save the motivational speeches for someone else.

(^ Yeah, okay, so I'm contradicting myself. "I don't care what you say but I'd like you to say something." What its meant to convey is "I don't care if you say something or not". Or something like that. Meh.)

(that reminds me. Anonymous commenting will now be turned back on. For those of us who are too lazy to log in and make the cookie permanent - on an unused journal ;)


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 21st, 2001 09:22 pm (UTC)
I'm only commenting cos I can....
and I say good for you :)

I think sometimes everyoine is too busy getting their degrees, bettering themselves, getting more, wanting more.... and then they die.
I wonder if those people ever find happiness.
Or when they die do they look back on their lives and have regrets. I bet they do.
I'd hate to think I'd spent all my life busting my guts for some employer and not spending any time with my son. Who is the one who'll cry at my funeral, who will miss me, and who's life will be different without me? I say I'd rather invest my time into those people.
Oct. 21st, 2001 09:36 pm (UTC)
I try not to judge other people on the way they live their lives - as in, if some people are happy learning, going to uni, working their way through a successful career etc etc, then thats their prerogative.

Of course, I don't like it when people use themselves as a measuring stick against my life. That somehow, because they have a better job, or know more about something etc, that they are at a higher "station" in life than other people.

Its why I don't like talking to old friends, acquiantances (sp?), and schoolmates. It invariably ends up in a pissing contest. "So what have you been up to, I've been designing the cure for cancer, what have you contributed to modern society?" An extreme example, but you get my point.

Thats not to say I shun/humiliate/whatever people who have had success in their lives.

I know I'm guilty of doing the same to other people I have met in my life though, and on many occasions. So I try not to judge people too much =)

Nov. 7th, 2001 12:54 pm (UTC)
Happiness is not something that can be measured or compared. What makes you happy will not make someone else happy. To me happiness is a state of mind which no one should question. If you are happy where you are right now than be happy. Not to many people achieve that. They strive through school and work never knowing what they want or what will ease their minds. An endless search. I congratulate on knowing what you want and how to make the best of what you have. Enjoy life while you can. It certainly doesn't get much better!!
Oct. 22nd, 2001 12:22 am (UTC)
You've found happiness/contentment

Congradulations... your one of only 3 people I know that are content and happy with their lives and themselves...

Im working on it... but from what you've said... maybe I shouldn't work on it...
maybe I should relax a little
Lighten up
Take things a little less seriously
Forget about some things

Maybe someone should start a program that helps people to relax... (j/k)

I cant even relax when Im asleep...

just thought I should add to the senseless rambling
Oct. 22nd, 2001 12:26 am (UTC)
Ha ha. Its like Brad Pitt says as Tyler Durden in Fight Club.

"You determine your own level of involvement."
Oct. 22nd, 2001 07:18 am (UTC)
What are we looking for?
Is probably a good place to start... in a minute.. but first something else.
Sorry just thought that procrastination/contradictory statement was suffice for the discussion.
Anyway... After reading that it jogged my memory about something that Jeff and I talk about occasionally.
What is the meaning of life?
I decided to ask Jeff this question first because i knew almost instinctively that it would be hugely different from my own opinion.
And his response in a nut shell was.
"To better one's mental development/knowledge/skills" etc etc you get my drift.
I then asked him if that was it.
His response was,
"yeah thats pretty much it"
I thought to myself,
"This young man doesn't know what to do with himself, he's going to feel end up one day feeling incomplete in one way or another"
Fair enough he's done extremely well for himself i'll give him 100% credit for that.
He stated in his lj:
"I strive to uphold the stereotypical image of a yuppie. Good income, good job, good health, good family, good friends, no ties, no commitments, no worries."
And the thing is the above is all true.
He's happy thats for sure..
he loves his job, he's said many many times that he gets 150% satisfaction from doing what he does best.
I hand it to him to get to that level is a great achievement.
However! and here comes the catch.
With all else in life, is he happy?
and the answer is a sure 'no'.
Cause he's truely believes/d (believed until i told him my story)that the meaning of life is mental development etc etc.
When i had talking about all the things that i have done in my life so far he started familliarizing himself with the broad range of experiences there are out there to be had.
And now for my own story.
In all the shit that i have done since the day i moved to Brisbane i can whole heartedly say that i've achieved, experienced, learnt, understood, more here than i have in the last 22 years of my life.
To go into detail would bore you so i suggest read my journals from day one.
I've come to a complex personal definition of "The meaning of life"
But in simple terms its,
I believe the meaning of life is to do what is necessary to look after No.1 and make my life as happy as it can be for every living moment, no matter what it takes. To be totally aware of my surroundings and continually update and conclude if its good for me and it makes me happy. If not then make a change.

When i use the term happy i'm including many different area's of my life, starting from where i live, who my friends are, where i work, what i do for work etc etc.
On another stream of the meaning of life i also believe that i should be as broad and open minded as possible let everything in, filter it, desipher it if necessary, understand it, accept it if reasonable, but never push my beliefs onto anyone else. I like to leave it open for discussion and learn, absorb more opinions from others who want to express their own truths.
Anyway.. i think i've really rattled on quite enough for entry.
And i won't bother explaining the subject.. can't be bothered, to lazy. :P
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )